Below you will find non-H1 #625Lab History submissions with detailed corrections that you can use as learning points.
Extended essay on ‘The Munich Massacre’
Punctuation errors are highlighted in RED
Syntax errors and inappropriate word choice are highlighted in BLUE
Irrelevant/ unnecessary/ extraneous material is highlighted in PURPLE
Errors in tense are highlighted in GREEN
Other grammar errors are highlighted in ORANGE
On September 5th 1972 Munich and the world saw one of the most barbaric moments in the history of the Olympic games.
I decided on choosing (I chose – this sentence is unnecessarily bulky) the topic of ‘The Munich Massacre’ as I developed a huge interest in intending on (“interest in intending on researching” is again too bulky) researching the Olympic games after recently watching a documentary on the Olympics throughout a period of years (over the years – “throughout a period of years” doesn’t read well). I was informed by a family member of the tragic event of the massacre and was extremely eager to gain knowledge on the topic.
The Munich Massacre, otherwise known as ‘The Wrath of God’, (for this sentence to read well, I would recommend including commas on either side of “otherwise known as ‘The Wrath of God’”) was one of the most shocking events in history and it made the world stand still. This barbaric act of terrorism gave us an insight in to the troubles between the Israeli’s and Palestinians (Israel and Palestine would read better here) and was the first time in the Olympics history (history of the Olympics) that it was stopped (the Games were stopped) for 24 (twenty-four) hours. On September 5th 1972 at 4:30am, 5 (five) Palestinian Terrorists broke into the Summer Olympic Games in Munich and proceeded to hold the 11 (eleven) members of the Israeli Olympic team hostage. Their demands for committing such terrorism was to free over 232 Palestinians prisoners from Israel. (This whole sentence is poorly written – 1. Their motivation for committing such terrorism was to secure the freedom of 232 Palestinian prisoners in Israel OR 2. They demanded that 232 Palestinians imprisoned in Israel were released.) This treacherous event was historically significant as it was the only time the Olympic games were stopped for 24 hours (you’ve already said this – try to rephrase) and it also gives an insight to the strong divide between the Palestinians and the Israelis.
The Olympics is one of the biggest events globally known for bringing countries across the globe together in peace and harmony as thousands of athletes from different countries come together to take part in playing sports during the winter and summer. The Olympics will always be known for celebrating life and truth yet one of the most shocking events in history sadly took part in the Munich Olympics in 1972. (This feels a bit irrelevant at this point in the essay, and breaks the narrative flow – perhaps it should go nearer the start, as an introductory statement)
At 4:30 am 8 (eight) masked Palestinian members of black September (members of the Black September Oragnisation – this is supposed to be a formal research essay, therefore you should give the full name of the organisation, and capitalize all elements of the name. It might also be good to very briefly explain what the Black September Organisation was) dressed as athletes with room key cards burst into the Israeli athletes’ member’s (“members” is not really necessary in this sentence, as “Israeli athletes’” gets the point across) bedroom shooting 2 (two – always spell out numbers less than 101) members (Yossef Gutfreund, 31, Weightlifter and Moshe Weinberg, 33, Wrestling coach) they (You need a full stop after “coach)” and a capital letter on “they”) proceeded to dump the two lifeless (this is a history essay, not an English essay – you don’t need words like this, they only make your essay seem less credible) bodies outside of Apartment 1 where the remaining nine were held at ransom. At 5 am a German police officer notices (noticed – this should be in the past tense) the dead bodies outsides and starts (should be past tense) to panic (how do you know he was panicking? If there is a source available that proves this, mention it. If not, don’t say he panicked at all) when he notices (past tense) masked gunmen in Apartment 1 and alerts (past tense) Munich Police Chief Manfred Schreiber. At Olympic headquarters he forms (past tense) a committee to deal with the scary (never use words like this in a history essay – while the situation was clearly scary for all involved, mentioning this doesn’t prove your skills as a historian) crisis.
At approximately 6 am Schreiber is (past tense) presented with two letters that contain (past tense) the demands of the masked gunmen stating (this would read better as “gunmen. These letters stated”) that the killers are (past tense) members of ‘Black September’ along with the (and gave a) list of 232 Palestinian prisoners that were (they) demanded to be released from Israeli Prisons before 9 am, Also stating (this should read – “9 am. They also stated that”) if these demanded (demands) weren’t (were not – this is a formal essay, don’t ever use contractions) achieved, (a comma here improves the flow of the sentence) they would kill more hostages. Schreiber immediately sets (past tense) up a hotline to the prime minister of Israel Golda Meir. At 6:20 am the world is (past tense) given the news that this terrible violence (maybe replace with “incident”) happened at one of the most peaceful events in the world. This sets (past tense) fear and anxiety into the family and friends of the Israeli team members. The world waits (past tense) for Manfred Schreiber’s next move while he awaits (past tense, also “wait” is probably a better choice of verb here than “await”) to hear from Golda Meir as she states that she needs more time on making a decision with the crisis (this would read better as “Golda Meir, who had stated that she would require more time to make a decision on the crisis”). At 8:45 am the terrorists state (past tense, the verb “announce” might suit this sentence better) they will shoot another hostage in 15 (fifteen) minutes if a decision is (past tense) not made, (swap this comma for a full stop) Schreiber proceeds (past tense, also it may improve the sentence to say “Schreiber then proceeded”) to walk to the Olympic village to Apartment 1, Block 31 along with 2 Olympic officials to meet with one of the masked gunmen to negotiate (this sentence is very bulky – Schreiber then proceeded to walk to Apartment 1, Block 31 in the Olympic Village, accompanied by two Olympic officials, in order to meet and negotiate with one of the masked gunmen). The terrorist known as ‘Issa’ meaning god (Luttif Afif) wears a safari suit with black boot polish smeared over his face stating he was in charge and his other 3 brothers were members of Black September (2 of Issa’s brothers were held in Israeli Prisons) (This sentence also reads poorly – One of the terrorists, Luttif Afif, introduced himself as ‘Issa’, which means god. Dressed in a safari suit with black boot polish smeared on his faced, he stated that he was in charge and that his three brothers were members of Black September. Two of his brothers were being held in Israeli prisons at the time.). Schreiber pleads (past tense) for more time as they threaten (past tense) to shoot another hostage. so Issa (eventually) agrees (past tense) but warns (past tense, needs to be followed by “that” – warned that at twelve noon) at 12 (twelve) noon he will (would) order the execution of 2 more athletes.
This event had become the biggest story within (in) the media with 4,000 journalist’s and 2,000 TV crews in Munich while the Olympic Games continue (past tense) as normal. At 11 am the games are (past tense) suspended and this puts (past tense) an enormous amount of pressure on Schreiber, (replace this comma with a full stop) the wait is over as at 11:15 am Schreiber receives (past tense) a message from Golda Meir stating they will (would) not release any Palestinian prisoners from Israel. This left the only option for Schreiber to end this terrorism by force (this meant that Schreiber was left with no choice but to end the crisis by force). Schreiber proceeds (past tense) to figure out how many gunmen are within Apartment 1; Block 31 yet more time is needed for Schreiber. (you don’t need this part of the sentence – it doesn’t read well, and doesn’t add anything historical to the paragraph)
12 noon is reached yet there are no sounds of gunshot as the Terrorists did not kill 2 hostages which Schreiber states to Issa that the Israeli’s are co-operating taking a very risky chance wondering if the gunmen will accept this false news (This is a poor sentence – When, at twelve, the terrorists did not kill two more hostages as they had promised, Schreiber made the decision to lie to them, telling them that the Israeli government were cooperating with their demands). The statement pays off as (As a result,) the gunmen decide (past tense) to not execute any more hostages (you need a comma here) buying more time for Schreiber. At 5 pm Schreiber still does (past tense) not have information on how many gunmen are (past tense) within the apartment, Schreiber persuades (past tense) Issa to let 2 (two) Olympic Officials within (into) the apartment to check up on the hostages as they prepare to force the Terrorists out. There are 8 gunmen in total (Once inside, they discovered that there were eight gunmen in total). As the armed police officers take (past tense) position, the terrorist sense the police officers as Schreiber orders the police officers to retreat (this sentence makes no sense, it needs restructuring). At 5:10 pm Issa orders (past tense) a helicopter to take the terrorists and hostages to Cairo, Egypt. Schreiber agrees (past tense) to do so as he sees (past tense) this as the perfect opportunity to end this act by forcing it out of the Olympic Village. At 10 pm a bus arrives (past tense) to (at the) village to collect (bring) the terrorists and hostages to a helicopter 200 metres away, 25 (twenty-five) km west of Munich. There a Boeing 727 awaits (what’s the relevance of this? It needs to be explained or omitted). At 10:05 pm the helicopter disappears (past tense, also, “depart” might be a better word) and the media head (past tense) to (the) airport where the helicopter is (past tense) due to land before Cairo, yet Schreiber has set up a very tactful trap at the airport in order to rescue the hostages. (Schreiber planned to trap the terrorists at the airport.)
5 (five) snipers await (past tense) at the airport, 3 (three) in the control tower and 2 (two) snipers are 70 (seventy) metres away from the aircraft. Once the helicopter lands (past tense) Issa and other members of Black September check (past tense) the plane before take-off as agreed, yet (but) the aircrew are (past tense) in fact armed police officers ready to open fire as the terrorists come (past tense) on board where they eliminate the remaining terrorists (this doesn’t make sense in this sentence). As Issa and the terrorists enter (past tense, boarded is probably a better word) the plane and come back off (do they leave the plane again? If so, why? You need to make this clear), a snipers 70 (seventy) metres away wait (past tense) for the signal to shoot. The snipers fail (past tense) to eliminate the terrorists. For 30 (thirty) minutes they exchange (past tense) fire on the terrorists, at 11 pm the gun fire ceases false news travels the world as they are told the hostages had been rescued. 2 massive explosions go off and then the good news goes premature as all the hostages have been killed. (until 11 pm, when gun fire ceased. News spread quickly, falsely stating that the hostages had been rescued, but two explosions then occurred on the plane, killing all of the hostages.) The rescue attempt had failed miserably (don’t use words like this).
As a step towards security and positivity, West Germany proceeded to form a counterterrorism unit with nationwide jurisdiction. On the 6th of September, a memorial service attended by 80,000 spectators and 3,000 athletes was held in the Olympic Stadium. This massacre was one of the most violent forms of terrorism in the 20th Century leaving the victims’ families broken and civilians on edge knowing the fact that terrorism has the ability to occur anywhere at any time.
For historical knowledge, I would give this essay a mark of 21 out of 25. There are a few small instances where irrelevant material is included but for the most part, the factual content is very good.
For research skills, I would give this essay a mark of 10 out of 15. There are several instances where information is included without reference to a source, when a source reference is really necessary, such as Schreiber panicking. It would be good to mention a source, like an interview that Schreiber did, where it is mentioned that he panicked.
For presentation, this essay would get a mark of 3 out of 10. It is structured chronologically, which makes it easy to follow. However, it is full of grammatical errors, poorly structured sentences, and inappropriate language.
Be very careful about your tenses. This is a history essay, and it should therefore be written in the past tense.
Punctuation is a consistent problem in this essay – make sure that you’re using commas correctly, and that you’re not using them where a full stop would be more appropriate.
Always spell out numbers under 101.
Don’t use contractions in a history essay.
Don’t use descriptive words, such as “failed miserably” and “scary” – this is not an English essay, you don’t need to be hugely descriptive, and you must remain objective.
A lot of the time, your sentences don’t make complete sense, or they run on for such a long time that they begin to lose their sense towards the end. Always re-read your writing and ask yourself if it would make sense to someone else. If a sentence is really long, break it into to shorter ones.
Especially towards the end of the essay, the coherence of the text declines significantly.
Your sentences also tend to sometimes include irrelevant information or words that really aren’t necessary. Try to be as concise as possible in your writing.
Always proof read. Your Research Study Report is designed to allow you the time to do proper research, and it is therefore expected to be of a much higher standard than the essays you will produce in the exam.
Your Review of the research process, worth 10 marks, is not included here, so your total mark is out of 50 instead of 60. This mark is 34 out of 50 or 68%.